Mid-week update

It's 11:36 EST on the Wednesday of Spring Break. Do you know where your kids are?

I'm here in Pennsylvania, with a partially-recovered voice (still fluxuates in and out sometimes), a wicked cough (just sounds bad, not contagious), and a very bizarre internship.

I just realized I don't have time to actually write all this tonight, as I still have work in the morning...so I'll leave you with this odd list of things for me to elaborate on:

"Crit-R-Done"
Starry Night editor
Debbie, day one and two
Shannon and Ohio
Max the Publisher
Inside Dirt
Pinochle (pronounced "pea-knuckle")
Samuri Sword
Life in New Castle
Laryngitis
PEO and exotic birds

Update: Thursday
Picking up chicks
Young people!
Cat's pajamas
'Dedicated'

Geez, I have a lot to write about...Maybe I'll get more time to myself later and I'll work on it. 'Night!

Do I hear laughter?

God's definitely got a sense of humor, or at least someone up there does...

My second day of spring break, and I have completely lost my voice. My normal/loudest voice is a whisper, and even that is a struggle. I tried to hum, just to see if I was able...nope. Nothing happens. No vibrating. I apparently have laryngitis, from a sore throat I had a few days ago, lots of talking, and not enough sleep.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm in Pennsylvannia spending the week with my grandparents, who I desperately want to talk to, because part of this week was just going to be hanging out with them and getting all reacquainted, since they live so far away. On top of that, they're a little hard of hearing...and all I can do is whisper, maybe.

Oh, yes, there is more! Tomorrow I'm supposed to go in and 'intern' for a week at the community newspaper up here. Some reporter I'll be: I'll have to ask my questions in pantomime at this rate.

So all of you who were trying to be nice and make sure I'd gotten here okay, yes, I did, but I can't call you to tell you because all you'd hear would be breathing and the occassional cough. I'm fine, except for being tired and having no voice at all. But I do have wireless!

I'm going (back) to bed now. Not talking is really hard work. On the upside, maybe this experience will improve my writing. After all, that's my primary mode of communication today.

Um...thanks?

I just got a nice card from my former Girl Scout leader/mom's friend. It has a cartoon (polar?) bear holding a flower on the front. It says, "This is more than just a card. It's a hug with a fold in the middle."

All pretty standard Hallmark stuff.

But here's what I don't get...She wrote "Have a happy!!" and then signed it. That is a direct quote.

What does 'Have a happy' mean? Have a happy what? I don't know if this is a late St. Patrick's Day card, an early birthday card, or a 'whatever' card?

Uh...I guess I appreciate the ...sentiment...?


On a different note, I'm less angry than last night. Sleep mellowed me out a little bit. Thanks go to Becky for trying to cheer me up when she is similarly beaten down.


Except about The Roommate. The two of them have apparently been in bed all day...*hm....what could they be doing?*

*turns and screams at them. "GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! I HAVE TO LIVE HERE, TOO!!*...except not really yelling, cuz I'm too chicken...

Two more reasons to take to the bottle...

[Writers' note: Please excuse some of the language in this post. I'm very angry.]
...Or maybe it's just one big reason: rejection. Seems like I've been getting a lot of that lately.

A few days ago I got a letter back from the Star-Telegram about my internship. "Oh, we just had so many qualified applicants, and we could *only* take six. Sorry, you're not one of them."

And today, the CA/PA letters arrived. They apparently " do not have an opening which matches your unique skills and abilities" (<-- direct quote; AND it has a grammatical error...which should be that. Ha! So there!) Which is a total and complete lie.
"WTF?" you are thinking. "Didn't you not really want that position anyway?"

Yes, noble reader, you are right. I didn't really want the position. But I didn't want to be rejected. The two preferable scenarios I had in mind were a) be accepted and suck it up and do it for my parents' benefit or b) be accepted for somewhere I didn't want and boldly decline. Instead I was just flat-out rejected.

Rejection hurts.

Especially because I KNOW I could be one rockin' CA. I could kick the position's ass. This may be cruel of me to say, but I am 110% certain that I would be a better PA than some we've had: I don't have a problem maintaining a 3.0 GPA, I don't go to crazy drinking parties, I'm not a total moron, and I honestly care about the community.

Now I feel like all my volunteering in the community was/is worthless. It's like the community went, "nah, we don't really need *YOU* to get by. You just needed something to keep you busy." WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE I BEEN SACRIFICING MYSELF FOR???? Clearly the powers that be don't think my efforts amount to anything. And now some fucking idiot is going to wind up in FARC and destroy all the things we've worked so hard for.

"Oh, come on Megan, it won't be that bad!" you're saying. "Now you can just move into the girls' apartment! Hurray!" Yea, well, I'm not really sure that is all that likely. After I so meticulously prepared a letter for my parents, trying to initiate that conversation (several times), I just got brushed off. I'm fairly sure they'll just have me living in FARC. With nothing for me to do about it.


And, just to add insult to injury, I come home from *nicely* covering another girls' copyediting shift to find The Roommate in bed with her (ex)boyfriend. They'd broken up sometime this week because he was walking all over her, or something like that. And he was begging to get back together. She was holding strong. For the first time since I met her, I was liking The Roommate's decision and was silently rooting for her. And then I come home to them asleep in each others' arms. She gave in. AND they're in my room... they probably assumed I'd left. (they've never slept together in the room before). Argh!

"How are you NOT an alcoholic??"

I've been thinking a lot today about, well, myself...and where I am in my life. I guess it started this morning when Becky and I were talking about my living situation for next year, and how I'm not sure (but wish I was) and the whole deal with my parents and the CA job thing. She, almost seriously, kinda jokingly, asked, "how are you not an alcoholic?"

It's true. I've put up with a lot of crap. *shrug* But that's just always how it has been.

Then I had my first design class, and I realized how nice it is to be working with people who not only love their jobs, but are nice people too.

When I was in reporting, I felt like I was in a pack of rabid, starving dogs all fighting over the same piece of meat. And if I got in the way, no one had a problem biting me, too. (Goodness knows my editor took a big chunk out of me).

Or, to try on a different metaphor, I felt like I was being held underwater the same way they dunk terrorists to get them to talk, and I never knew what to tell them. In short, I was totally lost and hated ...everything, myself included. I thought I hadn't done well because I just wasn't a good writer. I seriously considered dropping out or changing my major to basketweaving or something.

I spent a few semesters searching for what I wanted. I took a lot of classes that I just thought were fun (though they often also helped me toward my major). In "Breakfast of Champions," Vonnegut writes about the "one pure, unwavering band of light" that is in each individual. I spent those months looking for my light, trying to strengthen it.

Now I realize I think I've (mostly) found. I'm taking editing and design classes, because it is still part of the newsroom, which I love, and I'm still telling stories, but my schedule is regular and my coworkers are supportive. When they ask why I'm there, I tell them I want to be a well-rounded journalist, but the truth is, I don't really know what I want anymore. But at the same time, I'm not as worried about it. I figure I'll find something; I'll just develop skills in everything, and try on different hats until I'm really happy.

I don't mean this to say I don't still have a lot of questions, a lot of doubts. I do. I have tons. But I don't let them get in my way anymore. I'm trying to focus on making ME happy, which is kinda a radical idea for me. And I am happier (though I still have my moments).

I don't know what I meant to say in this post...I guess just that I'm glad I took that time for myself. I highly recommend it. I can't always live just according to other people's expectations of me, right?

I will overcome!

I commiserate with this kitty:



I'm very busy planning the Murder Mystery. At this point, I never want to be in charge of something ever ever again.

And I should go work on other things. But I wanted to share that picture first...

Home

Maybe it's the rainy weather that has me melancoly. Or maybe it was the southern twang the girl used in our theater reading this morning. Or maybe it's Becky's birthday, or the fact that everyone around here lately has been going home on the weekends, but an overwhelming wave of homesickness just struck me.

While I'm really excited about my spring break, it means the second year in a row that I won't be going home. And while I'm so happy for Becky for all her birthday joys, she is going home this weekend, because her mom said "I've never not been with you for your birthday."

This will be the third year I'm not home for my birthday. Or my brother's. Or my mom's. Maybe my dad's.

I'm homesick for the rhythms of home. I miss my family; the way my dad laughs, my mom busyness, my brother's drawings. I miss my church, with my hearty, boot-wearing pastor, my two sets of adoptive grandparents that always demand a hug when I see them, kind-hearted Nancy, and warm Southern OCL's Mrs. Reas, Doc Brown and Mrs. O'Connell. It's almost tulip season at the arboredum, and I wish I could go with my dad, or help him plant things in our garden. I miss iced tea always being available. I miss my cats talking to me, sleeping in warm fuzzy balls on my parents' bed. I miss bubble baths. I miss my room feeling like a place I belong.

And while I love you all dearly, and love this place, I wish I could go home. But I still realized that home isn't the way I remember it: my cats are buried in the backyard, Mrs. Reas is worried about Emily, Doc Brown has cancer, and I'm not in the picture.

Reclaiming Spring Break

I'm so excited! I finally found out that I can go to Pennsylvannia to see my grandfather for Spring Break, even though I have to do a class project while I'm there. I have to do this week-long "Internship" at a community paper for my class...Community Newspaper. (They really should put things like that in the course information before you register!)

After asking ALL semester, and telling my professor (who in class last time called me by my middle name....for no apparent reason) that I'd like to go up to Pennsylvannia (to which he said, "That's so far north! Why don't you want to go to Dallas?"). He finally got his butt into gear and actually started setting this stuff up (2 weeks before spring break) and he just found out his old buddy is the publisher of the paper up there. So off I go!

This really means a lot to me; I haven't seen my Pop since my high school graduation, and it has been way longer since I've been up to see him. He's living in a new house now, and I've never even seen it. But now I will get to see him and hang out, and I'll be able to get my project done, AND it will keep me from being bored hanging out in the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvannia. Perfect!

Movie Madness!

Because my last post was rather depressing, I bring you this list.

As you probably know, I don't own very many DVDs. I realize this is a bit of a social anomaly, so I've been making a list of movies I should buy for my own purposes. And I bring it to you, in no particular order, so you all can understand I *do* like more than just Moulin Rouge and Alias.

Pirates of the Caribbean (1)
Newsies
Robin Hood (Disney)
Shakespeare in Love
Jarhead
Batman Begins
It Happened One Night
The Shawshank Redemption
When Harry Met Sally
LOTR (all)
Star Wars (all)
High Fidelity
Finding Nemo
(Most Disney movies, but not Little Mermaid, b/c Amy got me that for Christmas)
Finding Neverland
maybe Forrest Gump
Kill Bill (1) (2?)
Under the Tuscan Sun
Troy
The Prince of Egypt
Elizabeth
Anastasia

I'll add more as I think of them.

Sometimes I'm afraid...

This makes me scared:

http://archive.columbiatribune.com/2007/mar/20070302news007.asp

They're coming to protest the j-school, but indications are that they are coming looking to fight. I'm afraid on several levels here: a) I'm a student of the j-school, which is their named target, b) I'm dating Adam, which makes me a 'race traitor', c) I'm afraid for Adam, their historic enemy by his race, d) I have several gay friends, who also aren't high on the 'friends to Nazis' list, and e) someone isn't going to listen to the police chief's pleas to stay away from the march and someone is going to get hurt.

I'm not just afraid about the parade; they'll be massing (well, maybe) here, so that means it might be dangerous for Adam and I to even go out together, or Adam alone... and I have an appointment in that area from 9 to 4.

They have every right to march; I support their freedom of speech. I just wish it wasn't so close...and that they weren't so militant. I'm sure it'll be mostly okay...the city is already voicing a very strong "we don't want your kind here" response to the marchers, but, like I said, I have several reasons to be nervous.

Pray for rain on their parade.