A weight on my chest
Dear few readers that remain:
I haven't submitted any meaningful posts in a long time. I intend to remedy that now....but I do apologize that I've neglected the blogosphere. I was busy. But now I've got a few things to get off my chest, so I hope you'll forgive me, suck it up, and read what looks like will be a longish post.
And thanks, by the way, for being a reader that remains.
Megan
The Interracial Thing
Adam wrote a very honest, insightful post where he talked about our relationship and the issues involved in us being an interracial couple and whatnot. The 'interracial thing' is something he and I (and, yes, Eric before him) have talked about a lot. But it's rare that we mention it to other people. Adam put his thoughts out there, so I think it is only right that I let people know what I think, too.
Honestly, I think that 'the interracial thing' affects me more than Adam, though it definitely has an affect on both of us. I'm more sensitive to what other people think, and how they might react. Unlike him, I can't just brush off other people's opinions as having no effect on me. That isn't true. It does matter to me, to an extent, what other people think. It bothers me that I have to think before I tell my friends, family, whoever who I'm dating and whether or not I should mention that my boyfriend that I am so attached to is a race different than me. [I didn't mention it to my parents last year with Eric, and I got in trouble with that, so there you go].
I'm definitely more hypersensitive to looks strangers give us when we are out walking together. It does hurt me when people don't realize we are a couple, mostly on the basis of race...one time at the ice cream shop, the cashier asked if I was going to pay with the man next to me, who was white....Adam had already gone through, and she assumed I was with the other guy, a complete stranger. Things like that are low-key, and only bother me a little bit, a simple mistake. But it does hurt a little, especially since I think it is very clear we are a couple because, well, act so couply.
Yes, it bothers me. But really, there haven't been that many things. But I am still nervous, scared. The FARCers are all really good about it and it's not an issue, and most of the campus, if they care, don't say/do anything because it's a campus. The university world, however, isn't exactly a proper reflection of the real world and I don't know what to expect. There are still some nuts out there, and it makes me nervous. One episode of Law and Order (I know, I know, it's just a tv show, but tv, after all, is a reflection of real life) had a guy stalk and murder a black man because he had taken his taxi...it was revealed in the show that the man had also issued complaints against a couple in his apartment soley because the had the 'interracial thing.' It terrified me; I almost broke down and cried right there.
Anyway, it's frustrating, but I don't think the 'interracial thing' will ever truly go away. And it's aggrevating that I always have to consider that as a factor in...everything. Stories I tell to my parents and friends, I don't want to ever exaggerate his stereotypical 'black' features, I don't want to emphasize his skin color, because it doesn't matter to me, but I know that no matter how little or greatly it matters to me or him, it is a factor that I will ALWAYS have to take into account. And it may always matter.
It's a good thing he's worth it. Totally worth it.
Totally, totally worth it.
Gay cowboys
Adam also touched on this in his post, so I thought I'd throw in my two cents.
This year, in Texas, by a 75% majority, an amendment was added to the state constitution forbidding any marriage not between a man and a woman, essentially just banning gay marriages. My first issue with this is that no one was actively contesting the same thing when it was a state law...they went to all the extra effort to make it an amendment just to insure that there was no possible way anyone could mess with it. Which is overkill.
Seriously. Just logistically, if you are trying to lobby for gay marriage, you aren't going to start in Texas, a bright red state. You'll start in California or in the Northeast, where some ground has been gained.
Second, if gay marriage becomes legal on the Federal level, it won't matter what state law says. It will be overturned. Or declared unconstitutional the way Texas' sodomy law was.
Anyway, I don't, can't, believe that the US will always ban gay marriage. I see it as an equal rights issue, and now that gays are in tv, in the movies, and publicly coming out, the trend is unstoppable. I fully believe that gays will get their rights: I can't believe in America as a nation otherwise. Granted, I don't think it'll happen overnight, but I do believe it will happen, eventually, just like the Civil Rights movement for African-Americans.
This being said, it's hard living where I do. The people in my church and general Tx. area often fall on the other side of the issue. My parents and adult friends started talking about 'Brokeback Mountain' tonight, and it was sort of hard for me to listen to. They all expressed shock that it was declared the best movie of the year, and a love story. It doesn't fit with what they know here. It is just completely rejected.
The parentals
The above being said, I don't know what to think of my family. It's always been a family rule that we don't discuss politics; it only causes angst. So I don't know at all how my parents stand on just about anything...so I tiptoe on everything. They could be democrats, republicans, green party-ists, whatever, and I wouldn't know. We just don't talk about it.
That was why I didn't tell them about the 'interracial thing.' I didn't know which way to go on it... (still don't, sometimes).
That's why I don't know how to interpret the book my mom was reading: "Defending Traditional Marriage." 3/4 of the book was about divorce, cheating, maintaining a good conversation, things like that. The last bit, of course, was about homosexual marriage and why it (along with single parenting and other things) was leading to the decay of traditional marriage, which, by the way, is a terrible horrible thing.
I don't know why she would be reading that...which part is appealing to her. But I have gay friends, and it would pain me to know that they are considered wrong to my family.
I just don't know how to take anything around here. Mostly I just keep my mouth shut. Even about Adam, and our 'interracial thing' elephant in the closet.
Being in Texas
I don't know how I feel about being here. The political environment is soo radically different from that at school.... Being home is weird, I'm the cleanest person. I'm acting really antisocial, because it is so hard to rebuild all these ties...I mean, because all the rest of my friends stayed in Texas, they all stayed in touch with their friends from high school and now it feels like a very small soap opera that I used to be in and then I left the show. I'm the JTT of my high school group's Home Improvement. It just seems like a lot of effort that I don't know that I want to go through. I mean, I graduated high school... I left that drama behind... apparently, it kept going on without me.
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Okay team, I guess that's all I had to say. I mean, I think ( I know) there was more, but it isn't worth it. I've said enough. Thanks for stickin' around long enough to read all that.
