Summer Lovin'

Okay, I'm out of school and what do I do? My job doesn't really start until the end of this week, sort of. Besides, I've told myself I'm going to make up for my lack of resolutions for New Years and Lent by working at self-improvement. Not letting myself sleep in until noon, working on creative projects, exercising every day...getting my life back on track after losing my mind for a semester. I really feel that this past semester I lost my focus and with it my drive and motivation to succeed. So I'm trying to fix that; little steps.

So, to keep with this do-it-yourself idealism, I went to the library to keep myself busy with interesting but non-academia books. I came out with Zorro which should be fun, and Female Chauvinist Pigs. I recommend this book to all women. (I think guys should read it too, but this is one of those 'for women, by women, about women' type of books). This book is so eye-opening. I need to keep this up, periodically reading books to fuel the feminist flame. Anyway, FCP looks at the way women present themselves. It asks why we let the "raunch culture," whose biggest feature is selling women as objects. Ms. Levy's most important point is that women today are making sex objects of themselves, by elevating the Playboy image, young girls giving out oral sex to the neighbors, young women looking to be sexually 'like a man' because being feminine is a lower place.
Anyway, read the book. It's revealing.

Hm. What else has been going on? Oh, my friend got engaged. Now, I'm really hoping he doesn't read this and get upset with me, but yesterday we were talking and he mentioned that he'd realized he was the first one in our group to get engaged. And the way he said it, that was a point of pride for him. And that's great. Good for him, I'm so glad he's happy and engaged. Good for him. My problem is, when he said that, and as I stood there while he got a plentitude of compliments, was that the message I was getting was that I was 2nd best because I was single.
I would like to remind you, readers, that I am twenty years old. I don't think I should be feeling that I'm slightly less important merely because I don't wear a ring on my left hand. If my pal has truly found 'the one,' I have nothing but happiness for him. But I don't want to feel like I should be in for such a longterm relationship when I'm twenty. I want to live my life, be an independent woman, pursue a career, be happy with my boyfriend.
I know, maybe I'm taking this out of hand, but it seems like everyone around me has relationship fever. A friend at school is on break with her boyfriend of more than a year because she felt she could either marry him or break up with him and the options, as she saw them, were too overwhelming; my roommate from last year has been married a year; a church friend is engaged; this year's roommate was always in a furor about finding a boyfriend... it's ridiculous.

Live life. We are young, with plenty of time ahead of us. Don't let yourself get into the relationship whirlwind.

And read Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy.

Composed

I'm officially home; home as in my official building/non-education-related home. And I have mixed feelings on it, so I figured I'd share them with you.

WHERE THE HEART IS
Assuming that is home, my heart is very split. Home is Texas, and probably always will be a little bit, but so many things change in the 9 months I'm gone. My poor 17/18-year-old cats are thin, and my baby girl has a hurt back leg...we don't know what's wrong with it, but she limps now. It makes me so sad; my cats used to be way overweight, and now they are very light and easy to pick up. They still complain and talk as much as ever, though. That will never change.
My little brother is starting marching band for high school soon...that's weird to think about.
And there are a lot of little changes. My room seems to have been converted into a shrine to me...pictures of me everywhere, my awards on the walls, stuff like that. We have a new dishwasher...that was surprising. The house seems messier: everyone got busy and it got a bit disregarded. My house feels a bit like a hotel; my room has changed so much I hardly feel like I'm associated with it, besides the pictures.

SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK
I'm going to miss my dorm so much. It was one of the happiest places. This semester needed to end, though. I was so tired...all the time. Always stressed, and stuff. By now, most of you probably know I didn't do as well at the Mo'ian as I would have liked... it was a huge communication breakdown between me and the editor. It's his fault, but it's also mine. It doesn't make me feel less like crap. I don't know if it is worse that he still told me I'm "clearly a talented and creative writer" and pointed out that I had "one of the best ledes all semester." It's like, if you can see that I'm really that good, shouldn't that make up for my not committing my whole life to the Mo'ian? If you admit that you didn't push me hard enough, shouldn't that make it better? If you realize we never had the mid-semester conference we were supposed to have, so I could have known you didn't like how I was doing, wouldn't that have changed things?
But there is nothing I can do, now.
At least I don't have to deal with Starke anymore.
I'll miss all my Missouri friends, though. I already do. I wish I could get up and go visit them now, but it's more of a 500 mile hallway now.

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE ANY RELATIVES WHO DRAW ON THEIR EYEBROWS
I went to Meaghan's wedding today. It was very nice, even though it was outside in Texas. The botanical gardens looked lovely. I missed the ceremony, but just barely (we got a little lost) and made it for the pictures and the reception. It was sweet. Meaghan looked wonderful in her dress. I'm glad I got to go.
It did, however, force my father and I to think about weddings, and possibly, me in a wedding. I'm not ready for this subject. Not ready for my friends to get paired off. On a complete side note, congratualations to Scott for getting engaged. :)
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, while it was nice, I don't think I'll be having an outdoor wedding in Texas.

ALIAS
Before I forget, I need to tell you this: I watched an episode of Alias on the plane, on my laptop. (you can do that sort of thing when you have a laptop). I even did a very miniture version of the Alias dance. It was glorious. (and silly). The guy next to me kept looking over at my screen, so I complained that I couldn't hear it and turned on the subtitles so he could watch, too. I may have spread the seed to starting a new fan. Awesome me.

ALL RIGHT, PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I COULD WRITE ABOUT
And also probably one of the hardest, for me: Adam. I don't write about him most of the time because I tend to keep most of my feelings to myself, or maybe I just take him for granted.
Anyway, I should be writing about him all the time. I think about him all the time...almost all of my stories include him.
So now I'll make up for it.
Adam and I have been dating for a year now. (wow, it's so weird to see that written down...it's somehow more real). [oh, and I should warn you now: this section will probably be full of cliches and lovesick puppy talk...I get that way when I tell people how I feel]
Adam is everything I could want right now. I've leaned on him so much this semester, for emotional strength, for advice, for encouragement, and he is always there for me; even when I'm going insane. He has been my emotional foundation lately.
He's also my physical strength. I love the way it feels to be in his arms...it's like nothing else. I have been hugged by guys before...this is completely different. I feel...complete...safe...I don't know.
He makes me laugh. He comes out with the most ridiculous stuff, sometimes. But he also can be completely sincere, and compassionate. He really does, and makes an effort, to understand me. Insane crazy me.
He tells me I'm beautiful. And I believe it down to my bones. He makes me beautiful. I pretend I don't hear him sometimes to make him say it again.

So I just wanted to say: Adam, I adore you. You make me a better person...and so, so much happier. I miss you, sweetness.